At the end of every year, it's natural - nay - imperative for us introspective types
to analyze our last year, and plan for the next one.
This year for me, was one of the most emotionally wrought I've had in a long time.
On an up note, I completed a goal that had eluded me for 3 years - wrapping Legend of
The Red Reaper. I did so with some wonderful people at my side, and I am as grateful
for their friendship as I was their assistance.
I fell in love. For those of you close to me, you know the whole sordid story. For the
most part I keep my private life private. I don't talk about my family, dating (except
to say it's tragic) or my really personal experiences. I'm working on the courage to change
that. But yes, in 2010, I fell in love. Hook, line and sinker.
And love, as is it's pattern, went away without me. And I was very sad.
But alas, I had my work. My wonderful projects and roles that kept me so entrenched in
the fantasy of other worlds, other lives, other people, that I was able to keep going.
I've given a lot this year. My time, my resources, my things. It breaks my heart that
most of the people to whom I've given, left my life when I set down boundaries. I know
it's for the best - but it never feels that way when the wound is healing.
All in all, I feel like I ended this year better than I began it. Although right now,
tonight, I feel very much alone.
I was watching a movie tonight, and the words of wisdom were these: "I used to think being
alone was the worst thing. Now I know it's worse to be around people who make you feel alone."
I think I may have some blame in this as well. Often, I've looked back on a conversation
and realized I was getting what I wanted from the person, but was too caught up in my own
issues to see it. And thus no amount of what I was getting was sufficient - and thus I was
always left needing more. And so I flip that thought around and ask myself - to those whom
I adored, and gave - was I not giving the right thing? If the machine only takes quarters,
and only needs ONE quarter, I can feed it $50 bills all night long, and never get the prize.
Is that what I've been doing?
So, this year, at the very least, I resolve to be a better listener.